To Love a Child
by BettyHall223
Summary: Jack and Sam face their biggest challenge since getting married.


_Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are not my property. No copyright infringement is intended._

**A/N: This story is told from Sam's POV. Grab some tissues.**

I sit on a park bench in the crisp Colorado Springs autumn air and pull my jacket tighter around me. I smile as I watch Kyle, my five year old son, play with Bart. The energetic dog chases Kyle around the wide open space, running with excitement every time Kyle throws a red rubber ball and Bart runs to retrieve it.

Kyle has loved his dog from the moment Jack brought Bart home and put the playful yellow lab puppy in his arms.

Breathing a deep sigh, the smile leaves my face. These past months have been the worst time of my life but I am just beginning to feel that things are slowly getting back to normal.

Jack and I spent time off and on at a children's hospital in Aurora, Colorado with Kyle during the hottest part of the summer. Our precious son, who had always been a bundle of energy and glowing health, had suddenly become tired, pale and weak with a cough and fever that did not go away. At first we thought it was the flu but the symptoms lingered so we took him to his pediatrician.

After initial tests, we sat in our doctor's office as he informed us that our only child has leukemia. I can still remember staring at the doctor, feeling that my breath had been knocked out of me, refusing to believe that our son could be so ill with this disease that could possibly take him from us. I had felt as though our world had just collapsed. Jack reached for my hand and we held on for dear life as my brain tried to process what we had just heard, but the only thing that I could think of was that this had to be a terrible mistake. Maybe they read the test results wrong or they got mixed up with someone else's. This could not be happening.

Kyle never had health issues other than an occasional cold but with medicine and lots of love and attention from Jack and me, the colds had gone away quickly.

When I had found out I was pregnant, I knew that Jack and I would be happy with whatever sex our child would be, but I had secretly hoped that our baby would be a boy. Since Jack and I had married, he had opened up to me about Charlie and how much he still missed his son. No child could ever replace Charlie but I wanted Jack to have a second chance to be a dad to another little boy.

Jack had been overseas when Sara had given birth and Charlie was two weeks old the first time Jack had seen him. Because of Jack's military obligations, weeks or months would sometimes pass before he could see his family and much too quickly, Charlie was gone.

Not wanting to miss even one day of our child's life, Jack had retired from his job in Washington soon after I found out I was pregnant.

When Kyle was born and Jack held him for the first time, I could not remember seeing such a look of total bliss on Jack's face.

As Kyle grew, everyone said he looked like a little mini-Jack. Kyle's eyes and hair were brown, he had Jack's deep dimples and his mannerisms were just like his Dad, from his smile and his frown to the mischievous playful look he would sometimes get on his face.

After the cancer diagnosis, our pediatrician referred us to Dr. Sullivan, a pediatric oncologist. We met with Dr. Sullivan to go over the treatment options. For Kyle's treatment, he recommended three cycles of chemotherapy which meant one week of chemo followed by three weeks of rest.

Chemotherapy began. We watched our son's energy deplete even more as the drugs coursed through his veins, leaving him lethargic and nauseous with vomiting and very little appetite.

I would sit beside Kyle and hold his hand as I tried not to let him see how scared I was. I knew Kyle would worry about me if he saw that I was sad or upset so I made myself stay upbeat and hopeful. When I was alone or only with Jack is when I cried.

I had asked General Landry if I could take time off during the three weeks that Kyle would have to be in the hospital for the treatments, and I would try to work as much as I could during the weeks that Kyle was at home with Jack between treatments. General Landry granted my request.

Not wanting to leave Kyle alone for even one night in the hospital, Jack and I took turns sleeping on a cot beside Kyle's bed while the other went home to check on Bart, take a shower and try to get uninterrupted sleep before returning the next day.

Whenever it was my turn to stay, I would sit beside Kyle when he found it hard to sleep during the middle of the night and we would play a game, talk or watch television.

After spending a week in the hospital, Dr. Sullivan said that we could take Kyle home until we had to return for the second cycle.

The doctor informed us that because Kyle ran the high risk of infection, he could not be around other people for a while.

The first night we were home with Kyle, I awoke after midnight to find that Jack was not beside me. Getting out of bed, I went into Kyle's room and by the dim light of the night light I could see Jack standing over Kyle, watching him sleep. As I walked up beside Jack, I put my hand on his arm and could see tears in his eyes. Jack took my hand and we returned to our bedroom. Sitting down on our bed, I wrapped my arms around Jack as he began to cry.

"We can't lose him, Sam. I can't lose another . . ." Jack managed to say through his tears. I could only nod my head in agreement as I cried with him.

We lay back down in bed and held each other tightly. Jack eventually went to sleep and I turned over on my side. I stared into the darkness as my tears wet my pillow. I remembered the devastated look on Jack's face the few times he had talked about Charlie and the overwhelming guilt Jack still felt over the way Charlie had died. Jack had come so very close to committing suicide and now I knew that if we should lose Kyle, his death could possibly push Jack over the edge to the point that Jack might never recover. No one should have to bury their own child and having to bury a second one was something I just could not let myself think about. I wiped the tears from eyes and willed myself to sleep.

The week that Kyle was home, he was weak and had to rest but his spirits were up a little. Just to be back in his own room and having Bart sleep beside him on the floor every night made him feel a little better.

Kyle cried when we told him that he would have to return to the hospital. He did not want to have the treatment again that would make him so sick. Jack explained that although the treatments were bad, the medicine was helping him get well. I was proud of our son as he stopped crying and bravely agreed to another round of medicine.

Round two of chemo was worse than the first. Kyle had no appetite and what little food we could get him to eat, came right back up. Fearing that he would get dehydrated, Dr. Sullivan put him on intravenous fluids for two days before returning to solid food.

After completing this round, we once again returned home for three weeks. Kyle asked us when he was going to get better. We told him that we really did not know but we encouraged him to stay positive.

I arrived home late one afternoon to find Jack holding Kyle and he was crying. Kyle had started to lose his hair. I sat down beside Jack and Kyle held out his arms for me to take him. I hugged him to my chest as he wrapped his little arms around my neck and sobbed. It was all I could do not to cry with him and Jack looked like he was about to burst into tears.

We tried to explain to Kyle that his hair would grow back after all the treatments were over but it was still hard to see our little boy so upset.

When we had brought Kyle home this time, it seemed that Bart could sense that something was wrong. He didn't bark or run to get his ball for Kyle to play with him. Bart followed Jack to Kyle's bedroom and watched as Jack put Kyle to bed. Bart sat down and stared at Kyle. I went to get something from the bathroom and when I returned, Bart was lying on the floor beside Kyle's bed with his head resting on his paws. Without moving, Bart looked up at me. His sad brown eyes seemed to reflect that he was feeling as bad about the situation as Jack and I were.

That night we tucked Kyle into bed. As we kissed him good night, he looked up at us and asked "am I going to die?"

Feeling caught off guard for a moment, Jack and I glanced at each other. Jack sat down beside Kyle and took his little hands in his. "The doctors are doing everything they can so that won't happen. That's why it's important that you have the medicine that they've been giving you. We're very hopeful that the medicine is doing what it should be doing and although you may not feel well for a while, we do think you will feel much better over time. You will die someday but not for a very long time. Do you understand?"

Kyle glanced up at me and looked back at Jack. "So the medicine makes me feel bad but it's really helping?"

"That's right."

"Okay, Daddy."

Jack kissed Kyle good night again, I turned off the overhead light and we left the room.

Wandering into the kitchen we sat down at the table and I put my hand on top of Jack's. "You handled that well, honey."

Jack took a deep breath. "I didn't really know what to say."

I squeezed his hand. "You said exactly the right thing."

Some days Kyle felt well enough to be out of bed but other times he was too tired to do nothing but sleep.

When Kyle had been around two years old, he had liked to sit on my lap and have me rub his back. And now when he felt bad or was too tired to do much of anything, Jack or I would rub his back.

Before starting the third round of chemo, blood had been drawn to check Kyle's white blood cell count to see how well the treatment was working. Dr. Sullivan called the next morning, telling us the test results looked promising. Jack and I breathed a sigh of relief that maybe we were beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The third round of chemo left Kyle with no hair and one of the nurses told him he looked really cute, making Kyle smile. Jack teased Kyle, saying he should just keep his head shaven all the time and maybe he would attract lots of girls. Kyle grinned as I laughed at Jack's sense of humor.

This last round of chemo left Kyle as weak as the first two but the ordeal was finally over, we hoped.

Kyle could hardly wait to get home and Jack and I were eager to see if he would get his energy and appetite back but we knew it could take weeks for that to happen.

We would have to return in two weeks to check Kyle's blood count again. If it was getting back to where it should be, Kyle would not have to visit the doctor for six weeks. If his count was down again, it would probably mean more treatments.

Dr. Sullivan told us that it would now be okay for Kyle to be around people.

On the drive home Kyle fell asleep. I stared at him as Jack reached for my hand.

"He's going to be okay, Sam" he said softly so that Kyle could not hear.

"How do you know?" I whispered.

Jack gently shook his head. "I don't know for sure, but I cannot face the alternative . . . not again."

A week after we brought Kyle home, I sat on our front steps with Linda, the mother of Brad, one of Kyle's neighborhood friends. Linda had warned Brad that Kyle would probably not feel like being very active so we watched our sons as they sat on the grass and played with toy soldiers.

"I don't know if I could do what you're doing, Sam."

"Doing what?"

Linda hesitated for a moment. "Mike and I were talking last night. We don't know what we'd do if this happened to our son."

"You and Mike would face the situation as best you can, just like Jack and I are doing. You know the old saying, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' I never knew exactly what that meant until now. There have been days that I did not want to get out of bed. I just wanted to pull the blanket over my head and not face the situation but I knew I had to. I have to be strong for Kyle."

"You had told me about Jack's other son, the one in the picture in your living room. This must really be rough on Jack."

"It has been and it still is since Kyle isn't out of the woods yet. But the only thing we can do is stay positive. Feeling sorry for ourselves and wallowing in self-pity isn't going to make Kyle well. Jack and I just take each day as it comes and we try to remember that we are not the only parents going through this."

Several days later, Linda asked if we would like to join her, Mike and Brad for a day of fun at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. I talked it over with Jack and he felt it was a great idea, as long as Kyle felt up to it. Kyle was eager to go.

On the morning of our trip the weather was perfect with lots of sunshine and a warm breeze. Linda had packed a picnic lunch.

As we walked along looking at the animals, Jack and I noticed a few people staring at Kyle because he had no hair. Kyle didn't seem to notice so Jack and I tried to ignore them.

As we sat together having lunch at a picnic table, Kyle told me he was tired. We had planned to stay longer at the Zoo but not wanting Kyle to overdo it, we finished lunch with our friends and Jack carried Kyle to the car. As soon as we arrived home, Kyle wanted to get into his pajamas and he lay down on his bed.

As I sat beside our son and held his hand, he went to sleep. I gently ran my hand over his bald scalp as tears filled my eyes and I kissed Kyle on his forehead. I stood up to leave the room before he would hear me crying. I passed Jack in the hallway and he could see that I was upset. I hurried to the bathroom and started to close the door but Jack followed me inside. He closed the door, pulled me into his arms and held me tightly as I sobbed on his chest.

As soon as everyone learned that Kyle could now have visitors, several of his friends from our neighborhood came by. The boys thought it was cool that Kyle had lost his hair. Two of the little boys asked their moms if they could get their heads shaved so they could be like Kyle. Kyle thought that was really cool that his friends wanted to look like him.

General Landry and Cam dropped by with presents for Kyle and Teal'c returned to Earth to visit.

Six months after Jack and I married, Daniel had proposed to Vala. They were now married with a little girl named Quinn. Kyle and Quinn were close in age and had always liked playing together. When Kyle first got sick, Daniel and Vala tried to explain to Quinn that Kyle could not be around other people until he was better. The first time they came by the house after Kyle had finished his treatments, Jack, Daniel, Vala and I watched to see how Quinn would react. Quinn stared at Kyle for several seconds, went running to him and threw her little arms around him. To her, Kyle was still Kyle, with or without his hair. Tears filled my eyes and Vala's as we watched our children hug.

**~oOo~**

Jack and I did not sleep well the night before we were to return to the hospital to have Kyle's blood count checked again.

As we arrived at the hospital, Kyle was dreading having the test but understood that it was necessary to see if he was getting better.

We had run into Dr. Sullivan on the way in. Knowing that we were anxious to know the test results, he had told us to wait and he would have the technician get the test done quickly so we would know the results before we went home.

A nurse led us to an exam room and Kyle sat on my lap as a technician inserted a needle into his arm to withdraw blood. Kyle sat very still, determined to be brave.

After the technician had finished, I picked up a children's book from a table beside me and read to Kyle. I was trying to stay calm and not let him see how anxious I was feeling.

Being the impatient man that he sometimes is, Jack stood and looked out the window, paced the floor a few times and glanced through an old newspaper that someone had left. Sitting still for all of five minutes, he stood up and went to get coffee for both of us and a carton of chocolate milk for Kyle.

Over an hour later, Dr. Sullivan finally appeared. Jack and I breathed a sigh of relief when he told us that the results were good. Kyle's cell count was higher than last time!

"Does that mean I'm better?" Kyle asked.

Dr. Sullivan smiled and nodded his head. "It means you're getting better. We will still have to test your blood occasionally to make sure you're okay."

"Will I get my hair back?"

"Yes, you will. You'll have to be a little patient because it will grow slowly, but yes, your hair will come back."

Kyle looked at his Dad and grinned as Jack winked at him and smiled.

Dr. Sullivan put his hand on Kyle's knee. "I need to ask you to do something for me."

"What?"

"I'd like to talk with your parents for a few minutes. There are some toys in the waiting room and your Mom and Dad will come get you when we're done. It won't take long. I promise."

"Okay" Kyle said as he slid off my lap.

Dr. Sullivan opened the door and asked one of the nurses to show Kyle the toys. The Doctor closed the door and sat down across from us.

"So you think he really will be okay?" Jack asked.

"The test results are good and I'm hopeful that Kyle will continue to improve but if he starts to feel ill again or runs a fever, you need to get him back here quickly. I need to tell you something that you may or may not know about cancer. It will be five years before Kyle will be considered to be cancer free."

We stared at the doctor. "Five years?" Jack and I repeated together.

"Yes. That's why it is imperative that all childhood cancer patients receive on-going monitoring, not just now but throughout their adult lives. I don't mean to worry you but you need to know this. A child who has had cancer runs the risk of having secondary cancer, heart damage and lung damage as an adult."

Jack and I glanced at each other.

Dr. Sullivan continued. "This disease is not something that once you've had treatment, you're done forever. But, as I said, we will monitor Kyle closely and research is ongoing to find new medicines that will hopefully eradicate this disease completely."

We stood to leave the room and Dr. Sullivan shook our hands.

Outside in the waiting room, we found Kyle watching fish swim in an aquarium and standing beside him was a little girl about his age. She had no hair.

"Are you ready to go?" Jack asked.

Kyle took Jack's hand.

The little girl smiled at Kyle. "Bye."

Kyle smiled back. "Bye."

When we got to the car, Jack strapped Kyle into his car seat and he looked up at Jack.

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"Is that girl sick like me?"

"Yes she is."

A sad expression came to Kyle's face. "I hope she gets better."

Jack nodded his head. "I do too."

We headed home and every few minutes I glanced back at Kyle.

Jack reached for my hand. I looked down at his hand holding mine. I had always loved his hands with his long slender fingers. I gently ran the tip of my finger over the veins on the top of his hand. This simple gesture of my skin touching his made me smile. I turned my head to look at him. After being married for six years, I still had to pinch myself sometimes to believe that I was married to this wonderful man that I had fallen so deeply in love with and after watching the way he had taken care of Kyle since he had gotten sick, made me love my husband even more.

Jack glanced at me and did a double take. "Why are you staring at me?"

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Because you're handsome, sweet and a terrific Dad and I love you with all my heart."

Jack grinned. "You better."

I chuckled at his joke and as we stopped for a traffic light, he lifted our hands and kissed mine. "I love you too, Sam."

When we arrived at home, Kyle wanted to watch TV so the three of us sat on the sofa with Kyle in the middle. Bart lay at our feet. Jack turned on the TV and we settled in to watch a movie about a boy and his dog.

I glanced down at Kyle and he was looking up at me. He then turned his head and looked up at Jack.

I patted Kyle's leg. "What is it, honey?"

"Just thinking."

"About what?" Jack asked.

"I love you Mommy and Daddy."

Jack picked up Kyle, set him on his lap and gave him a tight hug. "We love you too, buddy."

**~oOo~**

Kyle continues to improve and we never miss an appointment with Dr. Sullivan.

Kyle's energy level still isn't what it should be, but for the most part, he is himself again. His hair has grown back even thicker than what it had been before cancer interrupted our lives and he is eager to start kindergarten in a few weeks.

As I watch Kyle run around the park with Bart, I have come to realize that I never knew that it was possible to love a child so much until we came close to losing him. I have learned to take nothing for granted. Not Jack's love or Kyle's hugs and giggles and especially the bond we share as a family. The three of us treasure spending time together and Jack and I know that life is uncertain so we make every day count. This experience has brought Jack and me even closer and strengthened our marriage.

I see Jack walking toward us and Kyle runs to meet him. As I stand up, Jack scoops up Kyle and sits him on his shoulders. Jack gives me a quick kiss and takes my hand. We head to the parking lot as Bart runs ahead of us, the red ball held securely in his mouth.

As we walk along, I close my eyes for a few seconds and take a deep breath, feeling the warm sunshine on my face. When I open my eyes, I glance up at Jack. He looks happier than I've seen him for several months.

As I have come to realize over and over again since this ordeal began, my husband and son are everything to me and although cancer came into our world and turned it upside down, I would never trade my life for anyone else's.

The End


End file.
